Confessions of a Philophobic Teaser Drama Queen!!! part 1

Last Wednesday was my totally lunatic astronomical birthday! I’ve read my friend’s email to me about the confessions of a twenty-something drama queen. I really liked his insights on certain matters in life (always have). Well, he inspired me to make my own confessions entitled “confessions of a philophobic teaser drama queen” on this very special day!

1. Of Love…
Since the start of the year I have been struggling on matters regarding my beliefs in love. My emotions are a mess and all that I have always believe about this thing called love (the romantic type) seems to have vanished into thin air.

I have learned that not everything is about love and that even if you won’t experience romantic love in this lifetime it doesn’t mean that your life has no worth. There are more important things in life like family, friends, work and just being and feeling alive. Sure, sure love feels so good and nothing really compares to the feeling of being in love but if you think about it there are lots of people who are on the same situation as you are! Yeah I know that my realities are different because I’m gay. (Duh!!! As If!) Reality bites! So what?

But what I’m really saying is that there are certain realities in life that we have to accept and part of it is accepting who you are and being true to yourself (Duh! If only this easy to do!) I remember the first song I sang entitled “The greatest love of all”. Of course everybody knows this song. There is a part of the song where it says …the greatest love of all is easy to achieve learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all… I used to love this song until now I guess but I totally disagree with that line! Loving yourself is the hardest thing to do because we live in a very judgmental world. It is hard to love yourself because people always put you in certain stereotypes that will make you hate yourself even more. It may be the greatest love of all but it’s not easy to achieve! (nuff said!)

Too much thinking about love made me a philophobic teaser! (hahahha) I think I’m just tired of waiting in vain for it! I’ve already walked on too many broken glasses! I can’t help it! I believe in love in its purest form! I believe that love should be unconditional.

Well, I haven’t totally given up on it yet but what I need right now is a substitute for love…



2. Of Work…
Last week I tried looking for greener pastures. Well, it’s been a long time since I went job hunting and I really don’t want to experience it again but I’m trying to keep my options open. I came close to finding a new job but I wasn’t really sure if I wanted to leave my current job. Actually, the reason why I want to leave is to improve my financial state and of course for professional growth. So here was I pondering on the thought that I might get accepted on the job I’m applying for. Then, I started to think of the things I have on my current work and the things I don’t have. I’ve come into a decision that although my financial state on my current work is not that fabulous I do have job satisfaction that others don’t.

Generally, I really love my work and the people I work with. So when I didn’t get the job I didn’t feel sad instead I was happy that my dilemma was over. This experience has thought me a lot of things. I’ve learned to appreciate my work more and value the things that I have. I even gained a friend, a very remarkable lady who reminded me of how lucky I am with my job. Thanks Pri-Ann for everything we’ve talked about. You’ve somehow made me forget all my worries because of your refreshing insights.

Sure, I don’t have the fabulous salary but at least I’m happy, relaxed and most of all I am myself in my work. A friend told me that salary comes in different forms and I agree with that! I may want a high salary but at the end of the day I’d still prefer to be happy.

There will come a day that I will leave my work for a better one but right now I’m just thankful I have a work that allows me to enjoy the simple things in life.



3. Of Life…
I had a dream my life would be… so different from this life I’m living… so different now from what it seems… now life has killed the dream I dream…

I’ve always said that the hardest thing in this world is to live in it… Be brave… Live… In a world full of discrimination, bigotry, and inequality, it will be hard for a person to live life to the fullest. I just wish that things were different, but sadly that’s not the reality we live in. It takes a lot of courage to live in this world where hatred is so prevalent. I just can’t understand why things are as the way they are. Maybe its because, as I have said, my realities (as in being gay) is different from the others (the so called normal people).

My life is a constant struggle to prove that I’m a person worth the respect and acceptance and I’ve fought for that for so many years now. The fact is I’m tired of fighting! I just want to live my life and be happy but some people are just so unfair and cruel. I hate those haters (fuck y’all). They should all go to hell where they belong. And please don’t go biblical on me coz it’s hypocritical.

I have lots of questions that have no answers. I just wish that I could understand and accept life as it is but then I realize that the reason why things don’t change is because good people allow it! If I give up then this cycle will just continue. I know that what I’m saying is impossible but I still have hope in my heart. If ever the day will come that people can really accept and respect each other regardless of race, color, gender, and sexuality then let me start it now by saying “I’m here! I’m queer! Get use to it!!!!

My life indeed is full of drama and I know some of you will probably think that I’m pathetic and full of shit but I don’t care. I have said my peace and I am proud of the person I’ve become. I am not a sheep! I don’t conform to the norms coz I don’t fit in it! I believe I can go the distance!

Lastly, I have this to say to the world!

“I don’t know when… I don’t know how… but I know something’s starting right now… Watch and you’ll see… Someday I’ll be Part of your World!!! (“,)